Something I’ve always felt there’s a real lack of is interviews with thin men who love fat women. These men are given nicknames like, “chubby chaser” and told their physical and sexual preferences are just fetishes, but the reality is that loving a fat woman doesn’t require you to be anything other than a person who is capable of love.
My partner and I have a pretty honest relationship and because we are both relatively comfortable and confident in our own skin, this allows us to have intense conversations about our thoughts and feelings. So, today I’m sitting down and interviewing my partner: a medium sized man who loves a 3XL sized woman.
•Me: So, before we start, can you tell me your name a bit about yourself?
J: My name is J. I’m an aerospace engineer who’s worked on everything from military to NASA projects. I’m a nerd who loves science fiction, and anime, and Magic The Gathering. I like to paint/draw and write. I write for a Magic The Gathering website.
•Me: What size category do you fall under?
J: I’m a bit short. You’re taller than I am. But, I’m average, I guess. I wear medium size shirts and jeans.
•Me:How did we meet?
J: Online dating service.
•Me: What were your first impressions of me?
J: Online I thought you were out of my league based on your appearance. I found I felt comfortable talking to you, I enjoyed talking to you.
•Me: And for the sake of this post, how long have we been together?
J: 11 years.
•Me: Can you describe physical attributes you find attractive?
J: I’m a legs and arms guy. That’s like my turn ons. I notice eyes and noses too. I like distinct noses.
•Me: Do I possess any of those attributes?
J: Yes. You have a very distinct nose. I noticed that in your pictures online and that was a big thing.
•Me: Before marrying me, did you always date larger women?
J: Not always, no.
•Me: How has my physical appearance affected you or our relationship?
J: I don’t know that it has. I mean, I don’t know a way in which it’s drastically changed how I felt about you. It never really made me less attracted to you or anything.
•Me: Have you ever been made to feel embarrassed or ashamed of my size or being with a woman my size?
J: Not really. To the contrary, I’ve always come to your defense.
•Me: Have friends or family members ever said negative things about my appearance? How did this or does this affect you?
J: No, they never have. They were scared to. (laughs). I would kick their ass.
•Me: Do you think I’ve been privy to comments about my appearance as a fat woman dating a thin man and do you think I’m affected by comments people have made?
J: Well, I’m sure it’s happened and I hope it hasn’t affected you, but sometimes you’ve questioned why I’m with you (because of your size), so I imagine it does. It’s hard to imagine you’ve heard something and it hasn’t planted a little seed and affected you, even if you didn’t realize it does.
•Me: What is your sex life like?
J: I would say it’s great. We enjoy having sex with each other. I mean, we both feel satisfied by the other person. I speak from my end, but I think we both find the other attractive.
•Me: How is having sex with a fat woman different than having sex with a thin woman?
J: Cushiness? I mean, we’re active when we have sex, but you maneuvered more back when we first started dating, I think. (I was a size 14 when we started dating.) You were all about trying different positions when you were smaller. But that also might be that we’re just older now and we know what we like now. I think we have better sex now, just because we know each other. Exploration phase is over now. Now we know each other’s bodies and needs and we fulfill them. Every time.
•Me: Can you think of any television shows or films where a relationship between a fat woman and a thin man is presented in a positive light?
J: Not that I know of. About the only one I can think of is kind of Drop Dead Diva, I guess. But that’s more her chasing after him. Most of the movies or shows like that try to prove a point and aren’t showing it naturally that it’s a relationship between two people. It’s more like a forced, “See, big girls are okay.” versus just showing that it’s normal.
•Me: Do you think this has any impact on society’s view of relationships between fat women and thin men?
J: I think it’s a negative effect. When it’s never represented or it’s not shown as normal on TV or in movies, then when you see it out in public, it doesn’t appear normal to you because it’s not something you see all the time. In reality it is normal. It’s just most people are completely zoned in on bullshit.
•Me: If you could change my body type today, regardless of how I feel about it, would you?
J: Well, I wouldn’t do ANYTHING “regardless of how you felt”. I wouldn’t do that anyway. I would never be a person who would be like, “Oh, I’m gonna change her.” Because it’s you. It’s your body.
•Me: What’s something you would say to thin man who has never had a relationship with a fat woman?
J: There really isn’t a difference. The biggest difference is perception. You’re still a human female. The only difference in dating a woman of a different size is how the woman views herself. Otherwise it’s the same. You can get a skinny woman who thinks she’s better than everyone because she’s a total bitch. Or you can be with a skinny woman who isn’t like that. Or you can be with a large woman who is insecure and bitter and bitchy. Or you can be with a large woman who doesn’t have those insecurities and is a genuinely good person. It all depends on the person. And if you’re doing the right thing and making them feel loved, then they’re not going to be as obsessed with their body. I would say most women I dated were larger and somewhat insecure about their appearance, but I wanted to make them feel comfortable and attractive. In a relationship you get out what you put in. Regardless of size.
•Me: Do you think I would stay with you if society made fun for your appearance or made constant comments about your worthiness of love and a fulfilling sex life?
J: I would hope so. I like to believe so.
•Me: Do you believe physical double standards exist, in regards to weight specifically amongst the genders?
J: Well, fat guys are made fun of as much as fat girls. I see it all the time. Guys talk about fat girls and fat guys. Guys will remark on another guy’s weight as a “joke”, but the difference is the weight issue is more sexualized when you’re talking about a woman. If you’re a straight guy then that element isn’t there. Generally in culture, yes, double standards exist. I would say it’s a little more antagonistic against large women than larger men. Again, because of sex.
•Me: As a straight man, why do you think these double standards exist in our culture?
J: Because everything is still male dominated so there’s an emphasis from the male perspective looking out so men tend to sexualize things, so they make it where you either don’t like fat women because of sexual reasons or you do like fat women because of sexual reasons. They don’t see it as just a larger woman. It’s all over sexualized. That’s why some would say it’s a fetish vs you really like that person. Our culture is fairly shallow. American culture in general is superficial and a lot of it is appearance based so there isn’t as much focus on the individual and their personality and who they really are is based on snap judgement and what you think they are on first sight. Ya know, “love at first sight”. Judging people. Too often it’s, “Oh I know exactly how that person is because I saw them.”
•Me: Have you heard the term “fat shaming”, and if so, can you tell me your thoughts on it?
J: It’s bullshit, ya know. It’s just wrong. I know a lot of people think they re doing people a favor but they’re not. There are a LOT of people who are larger who no matter how much they try they can’t lose the weight. There’s genetics, diseases, disorders. Again it goes back to a superficial culture. Snap judgement. No attention to detail. No one asks why. They just assume you eat too much, don’t exercise because you’re just a slob. And that’s bullshit.
•Me: So, final question. Does my weight affect how you feel about me? Do you think it ever will?
J: I’ve never let it affect how I feel about you or my level of attractiveness to you. I mean…I have my feelings for YOU, no matter what you look like. Asking if you gaining weight changes how I feel about you is the same as asking if, hey, I was in a bad traffic accident and lost my leg or got a nasty scar on my face, so would that change how you feel about me? Like, “Oh, you got that scar now and I’m not into scars.” That means the majority of our relationship would have been built solely on appearance. And that’s not us.
•Me: Any last thoughts?
J: You’re my partner. I’ve always been sexually attracted to you. I fell in love with you. You’ve always been the person I’ve wanted to have sex with and spend my life with. Regardless of your size and how it has or hasn’t changed. And that’s it. That’s all that matters to me.
I hope this little interview shed some light on our relationship and how we function as a couple. Being in a mixed weight relationship is just like being in any relationship. My body doesn’t change any aspect of our love for each other. We’re just a boring, normal couple. I hope eventually people will see that.